Chapter 13: Identity Crushes Motivation

Imani Rhodes

Miles, I want to start with a question for you—and for everyone listening. Have you ever tried to stick to a diet, and it just... falls apart the second you’re tired or stressed? I mean, I’ve been there. But here’s the thing: I’ve never seen a vegetarian “cave” and eat a steak because they were in a bad mood. It’s not about willpower—it’s about identity. If you’re a vegetarian, you don’t need to debate every menu. It’s just who you are. That’s the difference we’re talking about today: identity versus motivation.

Miles Carter

Yeah, I love that. And honestly, I think most of us—myself included—have spent way too much time chasing motivation, like it’s this magic fuel that’ll finally get us to the gym or help us speak up in meetings. But motivation is, well, it’s moody. It’s like emotional weather. Some days it’s sunny, some days it’s just... gray and drizzly. But identity? That’s the climate. It sticks around. There’s actually some cool neuroscience behind this, too. The Reticular Activating System—RAS for short—basically acts like a filter in your brain. If you start telling yourself, “I’m a leader,” your brain starts noticing chances to act like one.

Imani Rhodes

Exactly. And the research backs it up. Motivation fades, but identity forms habits. I think James Clear said it best: “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” So, if you’re always waiting to feel motivated, you’re gonna be waiting a long time. But if you anchor yourself in who you’re becoming, your actions start to line up—even on the days you don’t feel like it. Miles, you had a story about this, right? About Marco?

Miles Carter

Yeah. So, Marco worked in a warehouse—no fancy title, no corner office. But he saw himself as the calm, reliable one. He always listened and spoke with intention, never skipped his checklist, and when things went sideways, people looked to him. He wasn’t the manager, but he acted like the person he wanted to become. And, you know, eventually, he got promoted. But the real shift happened before the title ever changed. He intentionally set the tone—he was the thermostat, not the thermometer. He didn't check the temperature; he set the temperature. That’s what identity does. It’s not about waiting for the right feeling. It’s about showing up with the right frame.

Imani Rhodes

That’s so good. And it ties back to what we talked about in the first few chapters—how the words you use, even with yourself, shape your reality. If your inner voice is saying, “I’m just trying to get by,” you’ll act like it. But if you start saying, “I’m the kind of person who leads, who finishes, who sets the tone,” your brain starts looking for ways to make that true. It’s not magic—it’s mindset. And it’s way more reliable than waiting for a burst of motivation.

Miles Carter

So, let’s get practical. James Clear breaks down behavior change into three layers: outcome, process, and identity. Most people start with outcomes—like, “I want to lose ten pounds.” Then they try to build a process—“I’ll go to the gym three times a week.” But the real game-changer is identity: “I am a healthy person.” That’s the gold standard. When you see yourself as a healthy person, going to the gym isn’t a chore—it’s just what you do.

Imani Rhodes

Right, and that’s where those “I am becoming...” statements come in. It’s not about pretending you’re already there—it’s about setting a direction. Like, “I am becoming the kind of person who finishes what they start.” Or, “I am becoming the culture setter in my team.” And you can make it stick with habit stacking. For example, after you pour your morning coffee, you review your “Who I’m Becoming” statement. Or you do a quick mirror rep—look yourself in the eye and say, “I’m a pro. I set the tone.” It may sound cheesy, but it works. I’ve done it before big meetings, and it totally shifts my energy.

Miles Carter

Yeah, and I’ll admit, I used to roll my eyes at that stuff. But then I started seeing it work for people who never thought of themselves as “leaders.” Like, I had a client who started calling themselves the “systems builder” at work. Suddenly, they were the one people went to when things got messy. It’s like, once you name the identity, your actions start to follow. And it’s not just for work. I mean, you can be the “calm parent,” the “reliable friend,” whatever fits your life.

Imani Rhodes

Absolutely. I remember this one meeting where I was nervous—like, palms-sweaty nervous. But I told myself, “I’m the coach in the room.” Not the critic, not the bystander. The coach. And it changed how I spoke, how I listened, even how I sat in my chair. It’s wild how a simple shift in identity can change your presence. And, honestly, it’s way more sustainable than trying to hype yourself up every time you’re tired or stressed.

Miles Carter

And that’s the thing—motivation needs coffee. Identity just shows up. If you’re listening and you want to make a change, start with who you’re becoming, not just what you want to do. Write it down, say it out loud, stack it onto something you already do. That’s how you build habits that actually stick.

Imani Rhodes

So, let’s bring it home. Identity is a thermostat, a goal is a thermometer. The thermostat sets the temperature—it decides what the room feels like. The thermometer just reports what’s already there. If you say, “I’m a healthy person,” you set the standard. If you say, “I’m trying to lose weight,” you’re just measuring what you're attempting to do. One is proactive, the other is reactive.

Miles Carter

Yeah, and acting before you feel ready? That’s the secret sauce. Again—every action is a vote for the person you want to become. David Goggins calls it mental callousing. You don’t wait for the mood. You do the thing, and the identity follows. So, let’s do a quick brainstorm. Think about one area where you want to level up. Maybe it’s leadership, maybe it’s being more present at home, maybe it’s just finishing what you start. What’s the identity you want to claim? “I am the culture setter.” “I am the finisher.” “I am the calm in the storm.”

Imani Rhodes

And then, what’s one small action you can take—today? not next week— Today- that proves it. Maybe you run the morning huddle, or you check in on a teammate, or you just finish that one nagging task. The point is, you don’t have to feel ready. You just have to act like the person you want to become. That’s how you move from intention to embodiment.

Miles Carter

And don’t just keep it in your head. Write down your “I am becoming...” statement. Share it in the community, or wherever you connect with people who get it. That’s where the real reps happen. And if you want to make it stick, do the action items—don’t just listen, do. That’s how you build the muscle, not just the mood.

Imani Rhodes

Couldn’t have said it better. So, as we wrap up, remember: the most powerful identity isn’t loud—it’s consistent. You don’t need to feel ready to start. You just need to act from who you’re becoming. We want to hear your stories, your “I am becoming” statements, your wins and your stumbles. Share them with us and with each other. That’s how we all get better.

Miles Carter

Alright, that’s it for today. Imani, always a pleasure. And to everyone listening - set your thermostat. We’ll see you next time.

Imani Rhodes

Keep building, keep becoming. See you in the next chapter.