Chapter 33 - Navigating Tension Without Drama

Imani Rhodes

Miles, have you ever had one of those days where a tiny thing—like, say, laundry—turns into a full-blown family standoff? I call it the “Great Family Chore Dispute.” Picture this: socks everywhere, everyone’s got an opinion, and suddenly, it’s not about laundry at all. It’s about who feels heard, who’s tired, who’s carrying what from the week. And it just spirals—until, finally, someone stops, takes a breath, and says, “Wait, let me make sure I’m hearing you right.” That’s the moment everything shifts. That’s what I call ‘Grace in the Gray.’

Miles Carter

Yeah, I know that one. For me, it’s always the dishwasher. But you’re right, it’s never about the dishes. It’s about, like, the tension under the surface. And honestly, that’s the same thing that happens at work, right? The little stuff blows up because nobody’s pausing to check what’s really going on. Leaders—real leaders—get measured by how they handle those gray, messy moments, not just the easy wins. If you can stay calm when things get weird, people notice. If you add drama, you lose trust and energy. But if you keep your cool, you multiply your influence. It’s like, drama is a trust drain, but composure is a trust deposit.

Imani Rhodes

Exactly. And that’s why today, we’re talking about our favorite phrase: “Pause, Paraphrase, Pivot.” It’s the three-step move for any gray zone—at home, at work, wherever. First, you pause. Don’t react. Second, you paraphrase—repeat back what you’re hearing, but neutrally, not with attitude. Third, you pivot—move the conversation toward a solution, not a standoff. So, Miles, where’s your gray zone at work? What’s the spot where you feel that tension rising?

Miles Carter

Oh, for me, it’s always when deadlines get missed and everyone’s pointing fingers. That’s the classic gray zone. But honestly, it’s everywhere—any time there’s ambiguity, or when people are stressed and nobody wants to be the bad guy. That’s when you gotta use grace, not just grit. It’s about who feels heard. That’s the real unlock. If you can do that, you’re already halfway to a solution.

Imani Rhodes

Yeah, and for everyone listening, just start noticing—where’s your gray zone? Where do you feel that urge to snap, or shut down, or gossip? That’s your signal. That’s where “Pause, Paraphrase, Pivot” lives. And we’re gonna break down exactly how to use it, with some real-world tools.

Miles Carter

Alright, First, let’s get practical. There’s a ton of research on this, but let’s start with the Harvard Negotiation Project. Their big thing? Don’t make it personal—focus on the issue, not the individual. And then there’s Amy Gallo—she calls it “constructive detachment.” You care about the outcome, but you don’t get sucked into the emotional whirlpool.

Imani Rhodes

And Kerry Patterson, from “Crucial Conversations,” says, “Start with heart.” What do you really want here? -To win? Or to solve. And, okay, let’s do a quick roleplay. Miles, you be the coworker who just got blamed for a missed deadline in a meeting. I’ll be the one who’s uh, not handling it well. Ready?

Miles Carter

Yeah. So, I’m sitting in the meeting, and you say—

Imani Rhodes

“Well, if Miles had sent me the numbers on time, we wouldn’t be behind right now.”

Miles Carter

“Seriously? I sent you everything you needed. Maybe check your inbox before you start blaming people.”

Imani Rhodes

And… there it is. That’s the drama path. Now, let’s try it with grace. I’m gonna pause, paraphrase, and pivot. -“Miles, I can see you’re frustrated about the deadline. Let’s make sure we’re clear on what happened—can we walk through the workflow together after this?”

Miles Carter

Yeah, and now I’m not on the defensive. I can say, “Thanks, Imani. I want to get this right, too. Let’s figure out where the gap was.” See the difference? It’s not about who’s right, it’s about what’s true and what’s next.

Imani Rhodes

Exactly. And here are some quick, repeatable tools you can use tomorrow. First, the “one-breath rule”—literally inhale and exhale before you respond when things get tense. Second, the three-question filter: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If it’s not all three, maybe don’t say it. And third, use neutral language. Instead of “You always miss deadlines,” try, “I noticed the report was late—can we talk about what happened?”

Miles Carter

And don’t forget “Keep it in the room.” No side chats, no gossip. Deal with the person directly. That’s how you build trust. And if you’re stuck, try a neutral opener: “It sounds like we see this differently. Can we talk through it?” It’s simple, but it works. And, When you’ve tried to work through a disagreement and you’re still stuck, agree to go to a manager together. Say something like: "Let’s go to a manager with this together so they can help us sort it out.”

Imani Rhodes

Yeah, that together part is huge. Too often, people go to separate managers and tell one-sided stories. Then you get that awkward moment where your boss says, ‘Well, Jimmy told me this…’ and now the other person’s even more upset. But if you go together, you show you’re willing to work it out. It keeps it from turning into a game of broken telephone.” And if you’re thinking, “This sounds too simple,” just try it once. Next time you feel the drama rising, do the one-breath rule, use a neutral opener, and see what happens. It’s not magic, but it is a habit. And it’s one that pays off, big time.

Imani Rhodes

So, how do you make this a habit, not just a one-off? Let’s look at some real leaders. Indra Nooyi, former CEO of PepsiCo, was famous for “listening for what’s not being said.” She’d pick up on the tension under the words, not just the words themselves. That’s grace in action. And Bill Walsh, legendary NFL coach, always said, “The score takes care of itself.” He focused on process, not just the scoreboard emotion. That’s how you keep your cool when everyone else is losing theirs.

Miles Carter

And don’t forget the “locker room glue” leaders—the ones who settle disputes quietly, keep the team together, and never need the spotlight. That’s the kind of influence that lasts. Let’s do a quick roleplay, Imani. I’ll be the team lead, you’re the team member who’s frustrated about a project direction. Ready?

Imani Rhodes

Yep. - “Miles, I just don’t get why we’re changing the plan again. It feels like we’re spinning our wheels.”

Miles Carter

“I hear you, Imani. It’s frustrating for both of us when things shift. I'm juggling three teams here and want to get it right for the client. Can you tell me what’s most important to you about the original plan? Maybe we can find a way to keep that in the new direction.”

Imani Rhodes

“I just want to make sure our work matters. I don’t want to waste time.”

Miles Carter

“Agreed. Let’s get the 3 teams together and align on what matters most and how we can be efficient. I want this to work for all of us.”

Imani Rhodes

That’s it. Think win-win. The goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s to get the best solution. And, Miles, you always bring up that Marcus Aurelius quote. Can you share it?

Miles Carter

Yeah, it’s one of my favorites: “If someone is able to show me that what I think or do is not right, I will happily change, for I seek the truth, by which no one was ever truly harmed. It's the person who continues in his or her self-deception and ignorance who is harmed.” For me, that’s the heart of grace in conflict. If you’re open to being wrong, you’re open to getting it right. That’s leadership.

Imani Rhodes

So, here’s what you can do tomorrow: Do a value check—ask yourself, “Am I adding value to the problem or the solution?” After a tough conversation, do a quick conflict debrief—what worked, what didn’t, what will you try next time? And, most important, try one tool from today’s episode. Maybe it’s the one-breath rule, maybe it’s a neutral opener, maybe it’s just pausing before you react. Then, share your result in the community. Post your story, your favorite neutral opener, or a time you stayed calm and it changed everything. That’s how we all get better—together.

Miles Carter

Yeah, don’t just listen—do the action items. That’s what makes this real. And jump into the comments—share your wins, your mess-ups, your best phrases. The community is where the learning sticks. We want you to be the best, and that means practicing, sharing, and supporting each other. So, try something tomorrow, tell us how it went, and let’s keep building this together.

Imani Rhodes

Alright, that’s it for today. Remember, action is what makes change real. Share, comment, connect, and let’s keep growing.